Country Music Should Come With A Warning Label

The majority of our family loves country music. With the exception of our oldest son, Brian, who says it's too sad and boring. He is kind of like those folks who used refer to it as 'I broke my toe, lost my woman and my dog just died' music. I have to admit he might just have a point.

Like most people, I like to listen to music as I exercise. So the other night I climbed on the elliptical and hit a new playlist on my phone titled '90's Hits'. I should have known something was a little off when Grand Funk Railroad's hit We're An American Band came on. Not exactly 90's music (1974 actually) but I thought that maybe it was from a movie soundtrack and kept going.

A few songs later I hear George Jones' He Stopped Loving Her Today. As soon as he started on the first chorus I knew it was too late. Tears began streaming down my face. And I continued to cry through the rest of the song as I pushed on, one step at a time.

It's a good thing I was on the back porch with only the puppies staring at the crazy woman bawling her eyes out and not in the middle of a gym.

Music speaks to my soul in a special way. And though I normally enjoy my country music, when I am in a season of sadness, grief or loss it can catch me unaware and overwhelm me with emotion.

Just before Christmas they made the decision to put Daddy under home hospice care. He is now on oxygen 24/7. It has caused some of the color to come back in his face and he is eating better. But we know it is only on the surface that he seems to be doing better. Even though I knew this would probably be part of our journey, it was still hard to hear when the time came.

Please continue to lift him and Donna in prayer. Pain has not been an issue yet, but he is anxious. I do not have the words to express how much I respect and admire Donna for the weight that she is carrying with such grace. Please pray that she remains healthy and strong in the battle that lies ahead.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Table of Grace

Once a month I gather with three sisters in Christ for lunch.  We met twenty plus years ago at the church we were all attending.  We prayed together, studied the Word of God together and served together in various ministries on a regular basis.  But that all came to an end fifteen years ago when the congregation went through a split and the church was eventually disbanded.

During that difficult time, we hurt one another with our words, with our actions...and perhaps the worst of all, with our silence.  A silence that remained for the better part of thirteen years.

Until one of them reached out two years ago and suggested we meet for lunch.

I had not seen one of these sisters at all since the split, another only a handful of times and the third, though we were in contact, it was random and limited.  So, it was with lots of trepidation that I walked into that first restaurant in the summer of 2012.  I was unsure of how I would be received.  I was wary that we might not have anything in common anymore.  And I wasn't sure if the forgiveness was real...mine or theirs.

As we gathered around that first table, it didn't take long for the conversation to move from stilted to lively.  We shared about our families, our church homes and what the Lord was doing in our lives.  Each month, as we shared our hearts and our stories, I could feel a healing happening within.  

When we gathered at a popular Mexican restaurant last fall and bowed our heads to pray over the food, I had a overwhelming feeling that the Lord was whispering to my soul, "Fonda, this moment is My grace."  I thought of how others looking on might see one picture (that of friends gathered for a meal) but really it was a miracle of forgiveness, grace and a love that goes much deeper than our emotions.  

From that moment on when it was time to enter our next date on the calendar I wrote "Table of Grace".

Today we met at that very first restaurant once again.  And I had the opportunity to share my heart with these beautiful sisters about our gatherings.  There was confession and tears and offers of forgiveness.  In other words, there was Grace.  

I'm sure it wasn't our last difficult conversation.  I know that each of us carries wounds that need healing.  But I am also sure that our God who began a good work in us will continue it until completion.

The Table of Grace.  It's not one, single table.  Actually, it's not a table at all.

Do You Not Know? Have You Not Heard?

...The Everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth does not become weary or tired. 

His understanding is inscrutable.

He gives strength to the weary, and to him who lacks might He increases power."

Isaiah 40:28-29 (NAS)

Monday evening's gorgeous sunset as seen from 290

 

I have been struggling with My One Word this past week, wondering if I was even aware of it most days.  Where was Shalom and what did it really mean?

 

The week before, I was really honed in to the 'satisfaction' part of it's meaning and I saw the Lord fill my heart with sweet reminders of His love and care.  This past week...very little trickled into my heart. 

 

Then yesterday, Danielle and I finally made it out for a lunchtime walk at a nearby park.  We had been talking about it for over a week, but the weather or our schedules just didn't allow us the opportunity.  It was a great walk, which is always more enjoyable with a companion.  But I have been having issues with my left foot for the past month and a half, and though it didn't bother me at the time we were walking...it was killing me when I got up this morning. 

 

I could barely step on it, the pain just shooting through my heel.  I honestly considered waking Jim and asking him to go get the crutches so that I could make it into the bathroom.  It eased up a little as I struggled to take the necessary steps, so I made my way into the kitchen to make coffee.  As I approached the coffee pot I cried out to the Lord for healing (preferably without the aid of surgery!)  It was as I walked to the kitchen sink that my eyes landed on another of the definitions of Shalom -- 'healing'.

 

I nearly cried right then and there!

 

I had called out, He had heard and He reminded me that He already knew my condition.  (Why does it take me so long to ask?!?!)

 

Later this morning I was emailing with a friend about the Bible study we attended last night.  We were discussing the word we received through Beth Moore's lesson and how to apply it to our individual lives. 

 

You want to hear something totally cool?  As I was typing my response to her, I came to see three of the four verses I have been memorizing in 2013 working themselves out right before my eyes.  Talk about His peace...His compassion...His willingness to make me whole...His ability to give me His strength.  I wanted to shout 'hallelujah'.

 

I think I have found the reason for my foot pain.  WebMD is weighing in strongly on it being plantar fascitis.  Everything fits: the symptoms, the frequency, the onset of it.  So, I am making an effort to do everything I can over the next week to help it begin the healing process.  If that doesn't work, I will make an appointment with a podiatrist because I do not want to be hobbled up for my next Grandmas Trip in late February.

 

While I am thankful to the LORD for giving me hope that this foot pain may soon be resolved, I have a strong feeling that He is about to do a healing much deeper than my heel.  I think this one is going to be a heart issue...and it is going to hurt...possibly a lot.  And I am going to need to hold fast to this week's memory verse.  I think I will be asked to embrace some pain and allow Him to bring a healing that makes the idea of someone splitting open the bottom of my foot and scraping the bone seem like a day at Disneyland in comparison.

 

And so it is that I close today's post with a plea for your prayers. 

1. That I would not try to decide what area needs the healing, but be open to His leading.
2. That His strength would be revealed in my weakness.
3. That I would fully embrace His way as what is best for me.
4. That He would cover me with His hands of mercy when fear begins to consume me.
5. That my holes will be filled with His wholeness and holiness.

 

Thanks for your love...and for allowing me to 'be real' with you.  

Now May the God of Peace...

...make you holy in every way, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless until our Lord Jesus Christ comes again.  1 Thessalonians 5:23 (NLT)

That is my memory verse for this week and it is proving to be the perfect one.  I haven't necessarily chosen verses on peace, but they have all come from my morning devotional time on peace.  At least so far.

I wanted to give you all a little update on My One Word project for 2013.  An accounting if you wish, to stay accountable.  It is pretty easy this time as I have had a pretty good time of it overall.

1. I finished the book (My One Word by Mark Ashcraft) and loved it.  It has such great ideas and the stories are very encouraging.  I think I will need to read it again about halfway through this year so that I can glean from the 'hard things' I haven't yet experienced...like forgetting my word, or feeling like I have hit a plateau.
2. I used Christmas money from my in laws to order a few things that will help me to remember Shalom in 2013.  I already had a coffee cup from my mother-in-law with 'Peace' written across it...I ordered two more.  And for my office, I ordered the 5 tile set from Dayspring that spell it out. (They are beautiful!)
3. One of the areas where I have been lacking peace lately is with our Bible study group.  The ladies are great and are dear friends, but I was in no spiritual shape to continue leading.  I finally came clean and told them that I couldn't continue to meet with them on Wednesday's at lunch.  I hesitantly offered up the substitute of attending Beth Moore's Tuesday night Bible study at Houston's First Baptist instead and they ALL SAID YES!!!!  Last night was our first one and, boy, did the Lord speak.  I even had the added pleasure of another friend joining us.
4. I stepped outside of my comfort zone weekend before last and attended the Sunday night service at a church near us.  I had planned to attend Sunday morning, but didn't get up in time.  Through a conversation with a friend of mine, I was reminded that I needed to stop putting off community and start right where I was.  (Of course, I was telling her all of this when the Lord turned the finger around the other way.)  I had missed Sunday morning, that was true.  But Sunday morning is not the only service they have.  I showed up to a whopping group of 5, including me and the pastor.  Last week I intended to make Sunday School, but only made it to service (the same reminder in my head) and it was wonderful.  The pastor had set aside his planned sermon for a time of praise and worship and giving thanks through testimonies.  My heart was so full!
5. The Lord blessed me with a miracle.  It would sound so trivial if I told you about it so I won't, but for me it was something my heart desired but that I thought was impossible.  In His great mercy, and for reasons I cannot fathom, He blessed!

This week has not been as 'on target' as last though, so I would be thankful for any prayers.  I have so much to learn about true peace.  During a time of disagreement this past weekend, I totally let old habits invade and steal all of my peace.  Thankfully the Lord brought me back to the correct lens and allowed me a time of repentance and an opportunity to have a 'do over'...but I saw how just one thing out of place can send me reeling.  I hope that by the end of 2013 I have a stronger sense of His peace despite the circumstances that may surround me. 

"Shalom conveys the idea of peace; tranquility; satisfaction"... etc.  That is where I am camping in this definition right now.  Learning to be satisfied in Him.  I am asking Him to make me holy in every way; to keep my whole spirit and soul and body blameless until my Lord Jesus Christ comes again.

I pray you all are having a wonderful week.

Shalom, y'all!

My One Word For 2013

I have been trying for days to load more Christmas pictures to share with all of you, but for whatever reason I have been unable to do so.  I think it is because I am supposed to share the following with you instead.  Please bear with my ramblings.

I have long admired disciplined people who can set goals and see them through to the finish.  I have never been one of those people, but I have long admired them.

I have also been fascinated over people who can align their focus to one thought or word for an entire year.  My friend Stacy likes to use rhyming statements like "A Bovine in '09" (which she accomplished by the way with not one but three bovine in 2009).   At Wilcrest Baptist, Rodney themed every year.  The last full year I was there was the Year of Revival which was rich and deeply personal to me. 

As you all know, I have tried setting monthly goals (2010 - didn't make it out of January with those); quarterly goals (2011 - didn't make it to May); and last year I tried just listing six year long goals (I saw one all the way through the year and one other through 'most' of the year).  Improvement?  Yes.  But still not able to make the changes that I so desired.

When the time came to make a list of goals for 2013 I just couldn't do it.  I have tried and failed so many times before that I just couldn't bear to write down 'lose weight' or 'find a home church' another time.  Well, actually I did make the list...but it depressed me so I tore it out and threw it in the trash.

I opened my new devotional instead and began to read. 

{the following few paragraphs are a rabbit trail to be sure...but an important part of the story as well}

One of our new traditions with grown children is that I place a new devotional in each of their stockings.  Last year I bought the same one for myself and the girls, but I bought for the boys according to their individual taste.  I wasn't a big fan of the one I bought for us girls last year and ended up purchasing a new one for myself by the time February rolled around. 

This year I really wanted a certain one for me and the girls, but I forgot to order them and had to settle for what was in stock.  Let me tell you that it is not easy to find four of the same devotional anywhere and this year I needed seven copies (some were for other gifts).  After circling Lifeway for what must have been the tenth time, my eyes fell on an end cap display with more than enough and from a name that I had used before and enjoyed.  So, I bought seven copies of The One Year devotions for Women: Becoming a Woman at Peace by Ann Spangler.  I had read her devotional on the names of God years ago and got a lot out of it.  (By the way, I also purchased one devotional for all the guys because trying to remember what I had given each one last year was way too hard!  Theirs is Grace for the Moment by Max Lucado.  And yes, this note is so that I have a record for next year!)

Back to my original story...

As I read the acknowledgments and introductions, a phrase caught my eye.  It was much like the quote from Ann Voskamp that I found last January and that spent the whole year on my kitchen chalkboard as a reminder.  So I replaced one Ann's words with the other:

One of the most important Hebrew words in the Bible, shalom conveys the idea of peace, tranquility, satisfaction, success, prosperity, healing, completeness, safety, well-being, and good relationships between people and nations.  Rich and multi-faceted, shalom sums up all the blessings God gives to those he loves.

Ann Spangler 'Becoming a Woman at Peace' Introduction

 

A few days later I came across Ann Voskamp's post about her word for 2013 (which is {with} IN, just in case you were wondering).  In that post she had a photo of the book My One Word: Change Your Life With Just One Word by Mike Ashcraft and Rachel Olsen.  The thought so intrigued me that I immediately went online to see if there was a copy available at my local Barnes and Noble.  I picked it up on the way home. 

 

I began to read the story behind how this 'movement' began.  It is a fascinating concept to me.  Mr. Ashcraft begins the book with the story of how he decided to keep a list of all the things he needed to start doing or stop doing as was given over just one week of watching a morning news show.  By week's end the list was overwhelming, to say the least.  But somewhere in the back of his mind one word kept impressing itself on him so that he tossed out the list and wrote it down instead.  After several months of living with this word he states, "In looking through the lens of a single chosen work, I found a new approach to personal change and spiritual formation - one that is doable, memorable, effective, and sticky.  The results have been greater than I expected."

 

That sounds exactly like what I need.  Something doable...memorable (past week 2 of 2013)...effective...sticky.  So, I began reading the process of how to choose My One Word.  It was then that I realized that My One Word had already chosen me. 

 

Or rather that the Lord had chosen My One Word for me...way back in the middle of December as I struggled through Lifeway for the tenth time to find seven copies of the same devotional.  (I had already made phone calls and Internet searches to locate seven copies of the one I went in to purchase to no avail.  While in the store, no less!)  I was praying and asking God to lead me to the right one, which I was sure was the one I already had in mind.  But He had other plans. 

 

And so, My One Word for 2013 is this:

 

Shalom

= Peace

 

I hesitate to share this with you all, not because I fear what someone might say or that I want to keep a secret.  I hesitate because I have an awful habit of failing to keep up with something once it is brought into the 'open'.  If I exercise five times a week for three weeks in a row and happen to mention it to a friend at lunch -- I never go again.  If I read the Word every morning for months on end and then post something about it on Facebook, I can assure you that by the following week I am off the wagon.  And so it is that I ask you all for your prayers in this endeavor.  That 'Shalom' would be ever present in my mind and on my heart and that the end of 2013 would find me to be 'A Woman At Peace'.



Honestly

After my morning Bible reading this morning (I'll admit I've grown lazy in this discipline), I picked up the 'Made To Crave: Devotional' by Lysa TerKeurst.  This is what I copied from Day 13 to carry with me today.

"Be diligent in these matters; give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress."  1 Timothy 4:15

"I think we all get to a place sometimes where we have to honestly assess, 'How am I doing?'...I know certain things about myself need to change, but it's easier to make excuses than tackle them head on...Idolatry is trying to get my needs met outside the will of God."

I'm not sure if that little excerpt conveys the full extent of my struggle today, but would you please pray?  With me and for me.

Thanks!

I love you guys.

The Blessings And Curses Of Facebook

Saturday morning I sat in my chair "thumbing" through the April issue of Real Simple magazine on my iPad.  I had recently downloaded the app and was making sure that I could indeed access my subscription just as the print version said I would be able to do. 

I was reading "the Simple List" column when I came across this:

4.74

The average number of people linking any two strangers, according to scientists from Facebook and the University of Milan, who studied 721 million Facebook users.  That's quite a status update to the six-degrees-of-separation theory of psychologist Stanley Milgram.  In 1967 the professor asked a group of volunteers to send a document to a random Massachusetts resident via people they thought might know him.  Milgram found that the process required about six jumps for the document to reach its intended recipient.  The population may be expanding, but the world is getting smaller.

I shared this tidbit with Jim who was sitting next to me in his chair.

"That means an event that happens in California can be known in New York in a matter of minutes."  he said.

"Yeah," I agreed.  "And not just big events but any odd or random thing."

We briefly discussed the wonder of social media and then, as the commercial break was over, he went back to watching someone deep sea fishing off the coast of Florida while I perused the April issue of Real Simple on my iPad.

Sunday afternoon around 2:30, I "thumbed" through my Facebook page to see what everyone was up to on this first weekend of summer.  (At least, it was our first official weekend of summer as school had just been released on Wednesday.)

There among the recital pictures of a friend's granddaughter and the updates from Austin about the State Softball Championship (which Deer Park won), was a simple statement posted by an extended family member, "Headed to tha river!".  I remember smiling as I read that and thinking to myself, "I hope they have fun."  You see, I was sitting at home alone while Jim and the boys were off playing golf.

At around 8:10 Sunday evening I received a phone call from Kelli.  "Mom, what's going on in Arkansas?"  I didn't know...hadn't heard anything.  I had been busy watching Food Network and HGTV all afternoon, so I hadn't even checked my Facebook again.  She said that one of my cousins had asked for prayer for our Arkansas family.

After assuring Kelli that I would make some phone calls and get back with her, I checked my phone.  Sure enough there was a text message from my cousin in Michigan that had arrived about 15 minutes earlier asking me if I had heard the bad news.  I texted her first and then decided to just call, but couldn't reach her.  I checked Facebook myself and I knew.  I didn't know what...and I didn't know how...but I knew who.  "Headed to tha river!" had not turned out to be the fun day I had hoped for them.

I called my dad who lives two houses away from them.  He didn't know anything about it.  I called my cousin again, this time a few answers.  I called my dad back to share the news.  He made a few phone calls and when we spoke again we realized that this tragedy had just happened and the family had not all been notified yet. 

It was well past midnight before I was able to get any sleep Sunday night.  Piece meal reports of the health of family members were coming in via texts and private Facebook messages.  I was at once grateful for and appalled by the Facebook posts that I read.  Rumors spread quickly.  Names are given of the deceased and the injured when the families have not yet been notified.  And injuries are blown all out of proportion.  BUT, I was also able to know who was where and thus who could give me accurate information and who only had hearsay. 

I think the most shocking thing for me (besides the loss my family was suffering) was how interconnected my Facebook friends really are.  One of Jim's classmates commented on my second cousin's post and I had no idea they even knew each other.  Old friends from junior high school were commenting about the other people involved in the accident from which I was able to fit the bits and pieces together of what was going on with my own family over time.  The distance between me and Southeast Arkansas seemed HUGE and yet, through Facebook, my world seemed small indeed.

I really don't think that much about it all when I am reading the good news...the births, the graduations, viewing the holiday and vacation photos.  But when tragedy strikes, Facebook is both a blessing and a curse.  I was reminded of how we shared updates on the loss of our granddaughter through private Facebook messages to family.  It was a blessing to only have to type the information once and simply copy all.  At the same time, my heart hurt as I read the pleas of family members asking people not to comment with names and rumors while the family was still scrambling to understand the extent of loss and injury.

I guess my point to all of this is that I never want to be guilty of hurting anyone through my Facebook posts.  I tend to err on the side of caution and send private messages because I myself am a private person.  (So why do I have a blog then, right???)  I want to be a blessing...both on Facebook and this blog.  If I should ever inadvertantly (and I assure you, if it happens it will not be intentional), so if I should ever inadvertanly cause you harm by something said here or on Facebook...do not hesitiate to let me know.

Honestly, the degrees-of-separation are often much less than 6 or even 4.74...so let's be careful of what we share while remaining authentic in our love and concern for one another.

Much love,
Fonda

Scar Tissue

It always seems to take me by total surprise...the RRRIIIPP that occurs when a band aid is removed from old wounds.

It seems to come out of the blue really.  A comment from a friend.  A question from a relative.  Or maybe even a statement made by a total stranger.

But along with the revealing comes pain.  That is always the same.

A couple of weeks back, my sister ripped off the bandage from a very old wound with a question that took my breath away.  I couldn't even form a response for several moments...it seemed like an eternity at the time.

I was stunned...and surprised...because I thought I had found healing in that area.  It sent me reeling, begging the Father to reveal the truth to me. 

I struggled for almost two weeks...wrestling over the reason for the intense pain. 

And then on Thursday night, as my mind was overwhelmed with the pain and my body couldn't find sleep; I felt an answer come in the wellspring of my heart.  "It is true that some of this pain is from a deep wounding that hasn't completely healed, but most of it is now a scar.  Just as I still bear the scars of the cross, you still bear the scars of this."

I soon feel asleep as I thanked the Lord for His willingness to bear the scars of Golgotha for me and as I asked Him to bring deep healing to the wounds as only He can.

Then on Friday morning, as I read through the day's Scriptures, I came across this:
"(Jesus)...healed their diseased bodies, healed their hurt and bruised lives."  Matthew 9 from the Message

I felt the Lord telling me that not only do the open wounds hurt when they are uncovered, but sometimes when we stare at our scars...all we can see is the ugliness and remember the pain that caused them.  That was what I had been doing since my sister's question.  I had been staring at the scars and feeling again the pain that accompanied them. 

And then I read this quote from a friend's Facebook page:
Never be ashamed of the scars that life has left you with.  A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed, you endured the pain, and God has healed you.

As I allowed my eyes to take in the whole picture, the ragged edges of the scar became less noticeable and I was reminded that the scar was not only a testimony to the goodness of God, but also was part of what made me into the person that I am today.

Do I wish this wounding had never happened?  You bet!  But this is where I have to choose to walk by faith and not by sight.  Trusting that this wounding hurt Him as much as it did me...and that He is able to redeem it and make it (and me) into something beautiful indeed!

 I've edited this post to include Michelle's "Hear It On Sunday.  Use It On Monday" link.  Visit her webpage to see what other's around the blogosphere are sharing.

Lord, I Believe. Help my Unbelief!

"Why?"  My dear friend looked at me from across the table, her eyes filling with sincere tears of empathy.  "Why has God allowed your family to suffer so much?  I just can't understand how He could take a child like that."

We were gathered for a small group Bible study and everyone knew that I had spent the morning at Desi's graveside for her balloon ceremony.   These three women (along with many others) had been earnestly praying for us since this whole nightmare began.

I took a deep breath and searched deep in my heart before replying.  How was I going to 'explain' the loss of our granddaughter at thirty-two weeks of pregnancy?  How could I begin to rationalize the heartbreak that I have witnessed in my daughter's eyes since that fateful August afternoon? 

"I don't know why.  I just have to believe that someday God will be glorified through all of this.  I cannot see His glory right now, but I am beginning to see how He has been preparing me."  I then began to list some of the circumstances that our family had endured over the past few years and how they had helped to equip me during our current trial of loss.

To me, this is one of those BIG QUESTIONS of faith.  You know the ones I'm talking about.   The ones that do not have easy answers.  The ones whose answers sometimes sound simple when spoken BUT are often very difficult to flesh out.

So, imagine my surprise when that very evening, the Lord sent the following words to me during a Ladies Bible study at church.

"God may not always answer our questions, but He will always answer us."  Beloved Disciple by Beth Moore (Video Response Sheet/Group Session 2) 

Beth went on to quote Psalm 65:5, 'You answer us with awesome deeds of righteousness, O God our Saviour."  Notice He doesn't say that He will tell us everything we want to know.  But He moves on our behalf with awesome deed of righteousness.  (Can I get an 'Amen'?)

My thoughts went back to earlier in the video when she spoke about Moses on the mountain with God.  (Exodus 33:21-23)  God set Moses in the cleft of the rock, placed His hand over him and then passed by.  Moses was told that he would not see God's face, but he would be allowed to see His back.

Beth drew a parallel between us and Moses, asking if we had ever considered that it was so dark because God had His hand over us right now.  She went on to add that though we do not get to see His face and know the answers to why right now, perhaps...with time and a little distance...we will be able to see an answer as we gaze upon His back.

I still can't answer my friend's real question.  I don't know why children die before they get the chance to live.  I don't know why this happened to us.  And, in all honesty, I'm not sure that I would be satisfied with the answer if I did know, since it wouldn't bring Desi back.

So, I hold on to the faith that the God who has held us through heartache and loss in the past will hold us now.  I trust that He will work all things together for our good because we love Him and are called according to His purpose.  (See Romans 8:28)

There is a tradition that I have heard practiced in various churches and forms throughout the years.  The Pastor or other leader will stand before the congregation and greet them with the affirmation, "God is good." The congregation will then reply, "all the time!"  More often than not, the Pastor will follow up with the words, "And all the time."  To which God's people declare, "God is good!"  That simple truth, filled with things deeper than my mind can even conceive, is what I find myself clinging to when the answers don't come.

He may not always answer my questions, but He always answers me.  The proof is in the fact that He sent me that very statement...just when I needed it most.

Linking up with Michelle at Graceful for:

The Words I Can't Seem To Find For Myself

Click here to see Ann Voskamp's post from yesterday at her blog, A Holy Experience.  She says so beautifully what I was struggling to say last week in this post.

When Scripture Comes To Life

"Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep." Romans 12:15

A couple of weeks ago as the ladies in my summer Bible study group got together for our weekly meeting, I brought cupcakes to celebrate some one's birthday.  As we had all been bemoaning the need to shed a few pounds, I joked that Scripture did tell us to 'rejoice with those who rejoice' as well as 'mourn with those who mourn'. 

Little did I know at the time just how poignant that Scripture was about to become to me.

Friday before last I was Meagan's chauffeur for the day.  There were several errands that she needed to run.  Knowing that it was going to be a very difficult day for her and I both, I spent some extra time in prayer...and the Lord returned that Scripture reference to my memory.

You see, Friday we went to visit a florist to order the casket spray for Desi's funeral AND to Wal-Mart to order a birthday cake for Davin's party on Sunday.  Our family is trying to learn to live in each moment as the Lord gives them to us.  It is so tempting to just stay in the mourning and the asking of 'why'...but there are joys that we need to make sure we do not overlook too.

So, we celebrated the 4th birthday of our sweet grandson...and we cried a bottle of tears over the grave of our sweet granddaughter. 

We also offered up sincere prayers of thanksgiving for the arrival of a dear friend's new grand baby, realizing now just how precious and fragile those moments really are. 

We are daring to live fully right where we are...in this hard place.  Or as Ann Voskamp calls it in her book One Thousand Gifts, 'eucharisteo' - giving thanks for God's grace gifts...because all is grace!

Though He Slay Me...

...yet will I hope in Him.  Job 13:15

Those words are on a loop that keeps playing in my mind.

Yesterday was not a great day for me...it wasn't even a good one.  I have these days, a few at a time, once a month.  Sometimes they last longer than a few, depending on my stress level and my spiritual health.  This month, we are going on a week!

So, to put it boldly out there, last night I had a 'foot stomping angry meltdown'...over the state of our kitchen. 

Yes, the kitchen! 

Let me begin by telling you that I had envisioned my evening going something like this:

I would come in from work having stopped at the grocery store for coffee and the last few items I needed for making dinner.  I would walk into my kitchen, put the groceries away, walk out to the garden to pick a few fresh vegetables to go with dinner and then I would prepare a wonderfully, beautiful meal to which our family would all gather around the table and declare their undying devotion to my Suzie Homemaker Skills in the kitchen.  We would laugh and share about our day and bond over this meal prepared with love.

As it turned out, I came home from the grocery store to find my kitchen a wreck and all of my children mysteriously missing.  Okay, not all of them were missing...but they were all missing in action for helping me get the kitchen cleaned!

So, as any woman worth her grain of salt would do, I turned on my husband...who, bless his heart, was the only one within screaming distance at the time.  How that man has put up with me for thirty years, I do not know.  But that is a topic best left to a post all it's own!

After my 'foot stomping angry meltdown' (the very words from my journal), followed by an intense discussion and a humble apology to my husband, I cleaned the kitchen and cooked dinner.  We sat down to eat after nine at night...but we ate a hot, homecooked meal.  Maybe not Suzie Homemaker style, but fresh herbs were included in the preparation!

Dinner went well and the kids helped by cleaning up the kitchen while I prepared a huge batch of squash for the freezer.  I finally slipped into the bedroom to get ready for bed around eleven.

I felt the need to sit down with a new Bible study that I am starting with some ladies this summer.  We will be meeting and discussing The Frazzled Female by Cindi Wood.  Needless to say, I was quite frazzled at this point and I confessed it all in prayer before I began to read the first day's homework.

Y'all, I did not get passed the Scripture reading!  I was in tears! 

It is a story that we as women are familiar...but this time it was so fresh and so real that I felt like I was reading it for the first time.

Luke 10:38-42 (NIV)
As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him.  She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said.  But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made.  She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself?  Tell her to help me!"

"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed.  Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."

Y'all, when I got to that last section, I couldn't even finish reading it aloud.  In my soul I heard, "Fonda, Fonda". 

As I read back through the passage, more slowly and deliberately, I saw so many similarities to my current situation. 

I opened my home to these near-adult children of ours. 

I am the one who gets distracted by all the preparations and want them done without me having to ask for any help. 

I went running to Jim tattling on the kids much like Martha tattled on Mary. And truth be told (why stop now, huh?), I was tattling on Jim to God as I stomped around that kitchen.

I accused God of not caring about me or how I am feeling...taking care of everyone else, I should get some accolades, don't you think?

I was worried and upset by many things...I could give you a laundry list half a mile long, if you could stand to listen.

But...only one thing is needed.  Only.  One.  And that 'thing' is not desired or recommended, it is NEEDED!

I haven't been choosing what is Better...and the things I have been choosing are quickly swept away by french fries left on the table or shoes strewn in the doorway.

I didn't get any further in the study last night. He had slain me.  He laid bare my heart right before my very eyes. I jotted a prayer in my journal and retired for the night.

This morning, He spoke to me tenderly through a devotional I read...and another that I listened to on the way to work.  Tears were fresh and easy to fall as He reminded me that even this pain I feel right now, it is meant for good.  It is meant to bless and not curse.  It is meant to heal and not to kill. 

And if that wasn't enough, this afternoon I opened a birthday card from my Mother and Father-in-law.  It has a keepsake card on the front that reads:

Lord, I have too much to do, but it's all important.  Help me to set priorities so that I don't feel lost in the pace and the pressure.  Give me the wisdom and energy to accomplish what's necessary without wasting time or effort.  And help me make the best use of my day, remembering that time is a precious gift from You. 

Though He slay me, yet will I hope in Him.  He is the One thing...the Only thing...the Better thing...and He will never leave me, nor forsake me.

If I Knew I Could, I Would...

If I knew that I could write a Women's Bible study, I would. I have had an idea for the encouragement of women and the building up of community floating around in my head since I taught Sunday School five years ago...but I can't bring myself to actually do it. Fear of rejection is the biggest part of my reluctance. Yet lately, the Lord has been bringing that question to my mind again and again.

Maybe it is due to being asked to facilitate a small group again. Maybe it is my dear friend who keeps making the comment that I should write something to be published. Maybe it is time to step out on the limb of faith.

If I knew I could, I would...but I keep doubting whether it is from Him or from me...so, I don't. That is a pretty scary statement to record on the written page for all the world to know!

Joining Lisa-Jo over at The Gypsy Mama for






It is easy to join in, just read the prompt, set a timer for 5 minutes, write and hit publish. Okay, well to be totally honest, hitting publish is the hardest part!

My First Quarter Progress Report

I wrote a long and detailed post TWICE. Once the Internet Explorer hung up and I lost it when I had to exit out. The second time the 'saving' button kept turning itself on each time I stopped typing and when I hit 'Publish Post' it said unable to post...and when I returned to the post only a few lines were actually saved.

I'm going to chalk this up as a God intervention. I felt strange about posting it in the first place...now I guess I know why. So, with much less information, I am going to try this one more time and if this doesn't work. I will let it lie!

Do you remember back in January when I asked you guys that if I didn't update you on how my goals were going to ask me? So, why haven't you been asking?

Yeah, that's what I thought! (Grin!)

Well, if you read Friday's post you already know that I didn't keep to my original intentions of making new goals each month. I have decided to set aside three months at a time for each focus area. It wasn't a conscience decision at first...but as time went on, I knew that I needed more than one month to work through my Spiritual Health goals.

As Julia Cameron says in her book The Right to Write, '...ninety days, (the length of time the brain needs to "groove" a new neurological pattern)'

My three goals were:

1. To attend worship service every Sunday.

2. To join a small group Bible study

3. To find a new home church in 2011

In addition to these three goals, I personally set a goal to be more consistent in keeping my quiet time.

Without the consideration of goal #3 (as I still have 9 months to make that decision), my grade would be a 77% (C).

I haven't been able to keep up the Daily Routines or the nightly goals journal...but maybe those will be for a later time.

Next quarter's focus: Relationships.

I'm still working out the details of those goals, but I will let you know when I know. That is, if this thing will allow me to post!

Thanks for being my accountability group in this season of life!

Be Careful What You Ask For

Friday evening Jim and I had a pretty serious discussion. There is a person in my life who seems to be a thorn in my side. Every time I think I am 'over it', something else happens and I am up in arms with frustration and anger once again. (Not pretty, I know...but I am trying to be honest here.)

In the midst of our conversation Jim made the remark, "I can tell you the day that things changed between you and (blank)." In that split second a conversation from 2006 ran through my mind...and I knew the exact time for myself. Jim thought it was something that happened two years ago, but I knew that it had building for much longer than that.

Being my stubborn self, I fought it for another thirty minutes or so as we discussed details...but I was finally able to admit to Jim that I needed to forgive the hurtful thing that had been said.

Fast forward to Saturday night.

I was still struggling with what I knew I had to do. I looked up verses regarding forgiveness. I began journaling...and it all poured out of the end of my pen. The hurt. The anger. The resentment. The bitterness. The unforgiveness. I knew that this was hurting me more than the person who had offended me.

I also knew that forgiveness was commanded...making this a choice that I had to make.

I asked the Lord to help me to do the hard work that was before me because I truly don't know how to let it go. I asked Him to remind me when I was tempted to dredge up the past that I had decided to forgive. I asked Him to eventually be able to feel what right now I was doing out of pure obedience. I asked Him to forgive me for the ways I had acted out against this person. And I asked Him to show me how to obey.

From my journal (unedited): I don't know how to proceed -- so please guide me.

And on Sunday morning, He answered.

I knew it as soon as the sermon title was placed on the big screen. The Gospel of Relationships(How do we love someone we don't like?) - Romans 14:13 - 15:7.

And just in case I thought about ignoring it...the outline:

1. Stop condemning (passing judgment).


2. Stop putting stumbling blocks & hindrances in the way.


3. Start pursuing that which makes for peace and mutual upbuilding.


4. Start to bear with the failings of the weak.


5. Start pleasing others more than yourself.


6. Start praying for harmony.


7. Start welcoming each other.

I know that these are instructions for the church body, but they ring with the truth of my situation as well.

I also know "this isn't going to be easy...in fact I think it may be one of the most difficult of my life...but with You all things are possible and I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (prayer journal entry)

If the Lord should bring me mind in the days ahead, I would certainly covet your prayers.

"For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." Matthew 6:14-15 NIV

I'm joining Michelle over at Graceful for "Hear It On Sunday, Use It On Monday"...and in this case on Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday and Friday and Saturday, etc.

Sometimes I Forget...

Do you remember last Thursday's post? You know, the one about me feeling a little 'off'? Well, it didn't get any better over the weekend.

Friday night, Bri and I just 'vegged' out in front of the television watching a few Chick Flicks while the guys were out fishing. That luxury is getting more and more rare as the boys now outnumber the girls in our household. We did take a little time to whip up a quick pasta dinner, but then we just piled up with blankets and chilled. It's great to have a girl around! (I missed her while she was gone for Spring Break.)

Saturday morning, I asked the Lord again to please open my eyes to see what was causing these feelings. And since we were expecting the whole family for a crawfish-turned-shrimp boil, I asked Him to please let me enjoy the time with them...whether or not the answer came. (And I am happy to say that He answered that prayer and we had a great afternoon.)

On Sunday morning though, heaviness still sat upon my spirit like a wet, wool blanket. I dressed for church out of pure obedience...though everything within me just wanted to stay home. I grumbled and complained in my heart through the first part of the service as I sat alone without a single person speaking to me. Not even the greeter at the door. Looked right past me. Didn't even hand me a bulletin with the sermon notes in it. Totally.Completely.ALONE.

I wondered why I came. I wondered if God even cared. I asked Him to soften my heart...to cut people some slack...and to answer the question that plagued me still, "why?".

And then, the pastor spoke about a visitor from a few weeks before. Another pastor and his wife who were in town to bury their daughter. The church surrounded them with prayer when they found out why they were there...but he told the Pastor that as they sat in church that Sunday morning, before anyone knew their circumstances, not a soul spoke to them. So, he made us stop and speak to someone we didn't know. To introduce ourselves and give a little background on why we were there.

God had heard my heart. (And I was more than a little embarrassed that I hadn't thought to start up a conversation with someone nearby myself!)

As I was driving to Meagan's to pick up her and Brianne for the last day of the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo (Kelli couldn't go), a piece of Scripture flitted though my head.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood

Oh my, why had I been so naive? Why had I not remembered that I have an adversary who prowls about like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour? What made me think that I could publicly share a decision to participate in Lent and think that it wouldn't be opposed?

The sermon yesterday was "God's Wake-Up Call" from Romans 13:8-14...and though I didn't realize it at the time I was listening to the pastor speak, I needed a wake-up call. I have been asleep for far too long!

And do this, understanding the present time. The hour has come for you to wake up from your slumber, because our salvation is nearer now than when we first believed. (Romans 13:11)

Please pray for me as I begin to once again flex the muscles of faith and to take up the full armor of God which has been neglected too long.

(Ephesians 6:12, 13; I Peter 5:8)

I'm linking up with Michelle at Graceful again today.

Small Sacrifices

I've been having a tough week.

There, I've said it.

I've been avoiding this blog like the plague because I didn't want anyone to know how weak I feel. And I certainly couldn't muster up the strength to 'fake it'. So, I just didn't write.

I found myself reloading the home page hoping for something new to miraculously appear. But it never happened.

So, here I am. Just being real.

The crazy thing about all of this is that I can't even tell you WHY I'm having a tough week. There has been no crisis, no bad news, no reason to feel like I do...yet I still do.

So, instead of staying quiet until the 'muse' moves me again, I have decided to share with you more of my grace gifts list. (And I am hoping it inspires me as I remember too!)

11. A peace that washes over even when looking at hard truths.

12. Sunroofs and worship music!

13. Four turtles lined up on the side of a pond, sunning themselves.

14. The sound of the carpet steamer coming from Son's room without being asked.

15. Seeing for myself the beauty of the pond that Jim has envisioned all along.

16. Being asked out for a date with my husband - TWICE in one week!

17. The sound of 'hi, mom' from behind a pile of laundry that arrives unexpectantly.

18. Riding four wheelers with Davin.

19. Pet dragons - the gecko that endured 8 gallons of Miracle Gro in the watering can before being shook loose into the flower bed.

20. New growth in last year's hydrangeas!

21. Stopping my pruning of said hydrangeas to check the Internet for proper care. There would have been no new blooms this year if I had kept going!

22. The hope of summer sunflowers buried with each seed in the front bed.

23. Listening to my husband plan a turkey hunting trip over the phone with my dad.

24. The whole household drifting out onto the deck in the early evening hours as we wait for dinner to be served.

25. Feeling like baking again -- Rice Krispy treats, banana bread & M&M blondies -- all in one afternoon.

26. Discussing Lent around the table with family...and not starting the conversation.

27. A hot shower.

28. Squirrel scampering across blacktop.

29. Pinwheels swirling pink and purple.

30. Red-headed woodpecker feasting at old tree stump for breakfast.

31. Worshipping with God's people, even if you don't personally know another soul.

32. Squirrels running under fence and over posts as car drives past.

33. Soft soil sifting between fingers.

34. Silvery clouds heavy laden and dripping with rain from heaven.

35. Darkness that lasts only a moment before yellow glow of lights fill the house again.

36. Sound of sister's voice crossing the miles just to catch up.

37. Three unfurling leaves of a Gerbera daisy increasing to eight.

38. A command to offer a sacrifice of praise in my weakness and the words on a iPhone to follow through.

39. A cup of coffee and time to enjoy it with two dear friends on an ordinary Tuesday morning.

I haven't added to this list in a few days, but maybe this will get me going again. I hope you are seeing His hand at work around you too, my friends.

Your Confirmation Number Is...

Sometimes I hear the Lord speak to me clearly and firmly. Not in an audible voice, but a feeling deep inside of me...usually followed up with confirmation from an outside source.

But sometimes, He chooses to get my attention through repetition...followed up with confirmation from an outside source.

And so begins my story...

Lately I have had the feeling that the Lord wanted me to 'participate' more actively in the celebration of Easter. I was pretty sure that He wanted me to offer a Lenten worship (for lack of words for a better description.)

Now, this is strange for me because I do not come from a background that observed Lent. I grew up worshipping in Baptist churches where I never even heard the word Lent...much less knew what it was about.

As I felt the Lord's call, I began searching for a devotional. Since I had very little knowledge of the subject, I figured I would need some guidance. Within a few days, Michelle at Graceful posted an offer for a free Lenten Devotional Booklet that her church is using this season. (She helped in the collaboration.)

A confirmation that He was indeed calling me to participate more fully.

I began to pray and ask the Lord what I was to 'give up'. My first thought was sugar. I need to lose some weight and this would surely quick start the process. Then I thought of a few things that others seem to typically give up...but they were not major sacrifices for me. When I began asking myself, 'What would I really miss?', the answer was clear...but not what I assumed it should be.

Facebook.

I thought it had to be a food or a drink, so I questioned the answer. Then on Ash Wednesday the Lord sent confirmation that it is not always about fasting from food. This time it was fasting from a pleasure that I overindulged in on a regular basis. (This decision has been confirmed at Bible study and then again in a blog post of Diedra's on Friday...and none of those sources even knew what I was considering.)

I check facebook multiple times a day. It is my companion when I am lonely, my distraction when bored, it is often the bookends of my day. So, I fasted on Wednesday...and again on Thursday...but I didn't feel like it made a difference.

That is when the Lord reminded me that 'giving up' is not always enough.

I stopped by WalMart on Thursday evening in search of purple hull peas for the garden. As I was leaving, I noticed a vehicle in front of me that had Texas LSU plates. Of course that peaked my interest. If LSU could have personalized plates in Texas, why couldn't a Razorback. I am not proud of the following, but I found myself obsessed with the thought. So much so, that I searched the web most of the way home. I felt a pressure in my spirit, but couldn't tell why exactly.

The next morning, I prayed for the Lord to teach me about Lent. As I drove into work, I began to notice the Lord's 'grace gifts'. It was then that He reminded me that when we give up something, we need to find something else to fill the void left behind.

That is when I decided to begin my One Thousand Gifts list. I have read a few chapters of Ann Voskamp's book, but with the Bible study and other things going on I have not been able to keep up with the book club's pace. I knew that I wanted to begin my list one day, when I had more time.

I knew, as I drove, this was the time. So, I stopped at Half Price Books and gingerly handled every journal until I found the perfect one.

When I finally had time to check the blogs that day, this is what I found. Another confirmation of God's voice, that it was time to begin the Grace Gifts Journal.

1. The realization of how many dreams God has fulfilled above and beyond what I could have imagined.
2. Jim's big heart.
3. A peacock perched on a fence with his tail draped behind him.
4. 4. A Robin all puffed up on barbed wire stretched tight.
5. The realization that #3 & #4 are a minuscule fraction of the glory of my God!
6. 'My Savior, My God' by Aaron Schust beginning to play just as #5 sinks in.
7. Conviction that doesn't let go until obedience comes.
8. Recognizing the unrest in my spirit as I tarried too long in the store lusting for fleeting desires of beauty.
9. The challenge of an unlined journal -- forcing me from uniformity to freehand creativity! (A chance to think outside the lines, literally!)
10. The confirmation in a blog post that God is calling me not only to give up something for Lent but also to fill that time with thoughts of Him!

Meandering Thoughts

There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under heaven.

A time to be born and a time to die,

A time to plant and a time to uproot.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-2

Ever find yourself wondering what God is up to in your life? I certainly have...and I find myself there yet again. I am still trying to figure out what He is saying to me about goals. I think I almost have a handle on it...and then it turns to half congealed jello, slipping right through my fingers.

I have had so many posts in my head lately, but when I sit down to write them, I can't quite seem to get them onto the page. There seems to always be 'something' missing. Like I am waiting on the 'aha' moment that will fit all these pieces together.

We have had a pretty crazy few weeks at our house. Two birthdays already this year and another this weekend. A bout of the flu. A birthday celebration with a friend, a baby shower, and a Super Bowl party with family and friends, just to name a few of the events on our calendar. All surrounded by the craziest weather I have ever seen. No snow for us to speak of, but freezing temperatures that come and go seemingly at a whim. We had call outs all last Friday and Saturday from customers whose fire sprinkler pipes had frozen and burst...and yet on Sunday, we threatened to take the television outside to watch the big game because the weather was absolutely beautiful.

All of this said just to let you know that I am still here. I am just trying to process a few things and having a hard time finding 'my voice'.

Which makes me think that maybe, just maybe, I have a lot of learning to do as the Lord and I walk together slowly through Ecclesiastes 3.

Checking In

It is a warm and muggy Sunday afternoon here in Texas. When I came in from church the truck's thermometer read somewhere in the mid-50's. It is raining - a slow constant drizzle - which makes it seem like it should be much colder outside than it is.

Jim is loving this weather. He doesn't like the cold. Me? Not so much. I enjoy cold weather and think that it SHOULD be cold in January. I was really enjoying the cold front last week when I had to pull out the winter coat and the GLOVES!!! Unfortunately, it only lasted four days before the current conditions moved back in for another week or more. I know that there are many people who would love to be experiencing our weather right about now. To you I say, "Let's trade places!" LOL!

Jim has taken off for the deer stand. It is the last day of the season so he was willing to don the raingear and head out for a late afternoon hunt. Will is in his room playing his new XBox 360. I can hear him talking to someone and that usually means him and Brian are online together. Bri is out with Josh, who just got home on Wednesday. Football is muted on the television. (I couldn't find anything else that I wanted to watch. And even though I want to know who wins, I get tired of listening to it by the second game.)

So, I decided I would jump on my laptop between loads of laundry and check in with all of you.

The 2011 goals are coming along...some better than others.

So far I am on track with my Spiritual Health focus for January. I attended worship service with Meagan again this morning. (On time today, thank you very much!) While I was there I joined a mid-week Women's Bible study that begins this Wednesday.

I was struggling between joining this one and attending Beth Moore's James study at Houston's First Baptist. I love Beth...and the book of James holds a very tender place in my heart...but I get home so very, very late from that class. Plus, I don't know anyone else who attends, so it is very easy for me to drop out after a couple of classes.

I will not know anyone at this Bible study either, but as there will not be a couple of thousand people attending...I am hoping it will give me a sense of accountability to make it every week. The study is "Living Your Life As A Beautiful Offering" by Angela Thomas. It is a 6-week study based on the Sermon on the Mount. Surely I can stick it out for 6 weeks, right?

Last week's focus in One Year to an Organized Life was 'Creating Schedules and Routines'. I split my day into three time slots that needed work: Morning, Evening (Arrive Home) and Nightly. I made out my list of routines and have pretty much stuck with it (aside from a few minor tweaks).

As for my the '15 minute project' goal, here are the things I accomplished last week:

• Sunday - Gathered clothes hangers to take to dry cleaners (we had a LOT) and loaded all dry cleaning/hangers in truck.
• Monday - Unpacked all the luggage from Arkansas trip; put away all the miscellaneous Christmas gifts; wrapped gift that needed to be mailed.
• Tuesday - Spent the evening taking Will to dinner to celebrate his 16th birthday
• Wednesday - Started sorting through the worst room in my house (the home office). This room has become the 'stash and go' place for nearly every member of my family. I spent the time sorting and storing the giftwrap and trim left over from Christmas.
• Thursday - Returned to the home office to sort through a large basket of 'Important' papers and gathered unused picture frames.
• Friday - Cleared the sitting room mantle and deocorated it for winter.
• Saturday - Sorted and packed away the Fall/Thanksgiving decor, hung winter lights on deck, cleaned out my (overflowing) coffee cup cabinet, and reorganized the china (moving all to a top shelf so I could reach my casserole dishes without the aid of a ladder).

I would give myself an 80 on the meal plan part of my goals. I did really well until the weekend. The same goes for making my reminder lists. For some reason, Saturdays and Sundays fall off the radar for those things. But, I'm working on it. And being aware of the problem is the first step to finding the solution, right?

Well, enough about me.

How are you spending your Sunday afternoon? Anything exciting happen this weekend?