Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Days of Refreshing Preceded the Grief

If you read the blog in February, you know that I enjoyed a fun filled trip to New Orleans with friends and family just before the loss of my dad.  I am thankful for the days of refreshing -- though if I am honest with myself, I sometimes wonder if I should have made a different decision for the use of that time.  I'm sure I will keep wrestling with that in the days to come.  But here is what I know for sure:

  • Daddy did not want us to watch him fade away.  He worried more about the effect his cancer was having on his family as they took care of him than he did about his illness.
  • If I had been there, nothing would have changed.  There would have been no words exchanged that would have made it better or easier for him, for Donna or for me.
  • He and I said our goodbyes back in January, and I truly believe that we both knew it at the time.  That is why it was so difficult for me to walk out the door that Sunday afternoon...and why I drowned my emotions in an audiobook for the drive home, waiting to fall apart the next day when I was home alone.
  • If I am especially honest, I have to admit that I worry more about what other people think I should have done.  And that is just silly!  I discussed my travel plans with my husband first, and everyone knew that I would be out on the next flight if I received the word to do so. 
  • It was good to laugh...and to enjoy an experience I had always dreamed of with people that I love.  Those small joys bring a smile to my face even as the tears flow.
  • The Lord was very tender with me during the moments preceding me finding out that Daddy was with Him.  It was a rare moment of silence as Rita and I drove through NE Texas and my cries to Him were both brutally honest and filled with deep conviction that He had everything in His hands.  I let go of my expectations mere minutes before the news reached me.  Jesus can be so tender with me like that sometimes.  He has done it numerous times during this journey.
And so it is that the Lord has used My One Word to minister to my deeper needs this new year.  He does provide those moments of refreshing that we need...even before we knew we needed them.

"I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint." Jeremiah 31:25

He is doing a marvelous work indeed.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

We discussed your indecision to go a few days before we left on our trip. It was so weird that as we were talking I used the word refreshed to you. I didn't use it intentionally it just popped into my head. Maybe it popped into my head from reading your blog but I like to think God put it in my head to let you know which way He wanted you to go. That you would need some time for yourself because he knew what you would need for the coming days and weeks. Often times, I think as women, we forget to take care of ourselves or we worry about what other people might say or think, and sometimes we just feel plain guilty for taking time out for ourselves. I am thankful you were not alone when you found out about your dad's passing.