Speechless In Texas

I received a phone call on my cell phone just before the end of business yesterday. I was unable to get the phone, which was buried in my purse instead of in it's nifty little pocket. When I finally pulled it out, it showed a missed call from an 800 number...so, knowing it was not one my children stranded someplace, I dropped the phone back in my purse and finished what I was doing so I could get out of the office for the evening.

As I climbed into the car, I remembered the missed call and hearing the voice mail tone. I checked the voice mail to find a message from my cell phone provider asking me to please return their call. I debated whether or not to do so, as I knew that the bill was paid and current. I hit the redial button and thought that if I didn't get anyone by the time I made it to the freeway I would just hang up and wait for them to call me back if they had anything of importance to share.

After a two minute wait, a young woman answered the phone and asked why I was calling. I replied that I was returning their call and had no idea what it was about. She checked my balance and saw that I had a credit on the account, so it couldn't be about payment. She continued looking at my account and then the following conversation occurred:

Her - "Oh, I see now. We were calling you about excessive (blah-blah) usage on one of your lines."

Me - "Which line?"

Her - "The one ending in ####."

Me - "What do you mean by excessive usage."

Her - "Well at this moment this line has used ####kb on the web. This usage has incurred a cost to your account of $1,064."

Me (insert racing heart, dry mouth, and pounding head) - "WHAT?!?!"

Her - "We charge $1 for every kb and this phone has used 1 mb. There are 1,064kb to every mb and the charge is $1,064 at this time."

Me - "That phone has web access?!?!"

Her - "Yes."

Me - "I hardly know how to text message. I had no idea they could surf the web on their phones." (PANIC is now taking over...I am talking so much that she can't even respond.) "Can I block web usage on the phones? I didn't even know they had web access, how would I know to block it?"

Her - "We can set you up on a web plan for $15.99 a month and I will back date it to the first of this billing cycle. Then you will be billed an additional $15 for the 1mb used."

Me - "And the $1,000 charge will go away?"

Her - "Yes, ma'am."

Me (No longer wondering in what terrible way I might kill the offender when I get home.) - "Yes, do it!"

We take a few minutes to make the changes to the plan. She tells me I can cancel the plan at the first of the next billing cycle and block web usage at that time, but not now.

At the end of our conversation:

Me - "So, I will have the additional $15.99 for the web plan and the $15 in web charges on the next bill."

Her - "Well, actually this number has accrued another 2mb while we have been on the phone."

In my mind I am figuring out that it would have cost me another $2,000 by now! So, I rush off the phone, call the offending party and ask:

"What are you doing on the Internet?"

Answer: "Checking my Myspace."

I nearly crawled through the phone!

PS...the offender has been told of the charges incurred (which nearly sent said offender into heart failure) and has been warned if it ever happens again, said offender may not be breathing long enough to pay it back!