Though He Slay Me...

...yet will I hope in Him.  Job 13:15

Those words are on a loop that keeps playing in my mind.

Yesterday was not a great day for me...it wasn't even a good one.  I have these days, a few at a time, once a month.  Sometimes they last longer than a few, depending on my stress level and my spiritual health.  This month, we are going on a week!

So, to put it boldly out there, last night I had a 'foot stomping angry meltdown'...over the state of our kitchen. 

Yes, the kitchen! 

Let me begin by telling you that I had envisioned my evening going something like this:

I would come in from work having stopped at the grocery store for coffee and the last few items I needed for making dinner.  I would walk into my kitchen, put the groceries away, walk out to the garden to pick a few fresh vegetables to go with dinner and then I would prepare a wonderfully, beautiful meal to which our family would all gather around the table and declare their undying devotion to my Suzie Homemaker Skills in the kitchen.  We would laugh and share about our day and bond over this meal prepared with love.

As it turned out, I came home from the grocery store to find my kitchen a wreck and all of my children mysteriously missing.  Okay, not all of them were missing...but they were all missing in action for helping me get the kitchen cleaned!

So, as any woman worth her grain of salt would do, I turned on my husband...who, bless his heart, was the only one within screaming distance at the time.  How that man has put up with me for thirty years, I do not know.  But that is a topic best left to a post all it's own!

After my 'foot stomping angry meltdown' (the very words from my journal), followed by an intense discussion and a humble apology to my husband, I cleaned the kitchen and cooked dinner.  We sat down to eat after nine at night...but we ate a hot, homecooked meal.  Maybe not Suzie Homemaker style, but fresh herbs were included in the preparation!

Dinner went well and the kids helped by cleaning up the kitchen while I prepared a huge batch of squash for the freezer.  I finally slipped into the bedroom to get ready for bed around eleven.

I felt the need to sit down with a new Bible study that I am starting with some ladies this summer.  We will be meeting and discussing The Frazzled Female by Cindi Wood.  Needless to say, I was quite frazzled at this point and I confessed it all in prayer before I began to read the first day's homework.

Y'all, I did not get passed the Scripture reading!  I was in tears! 

It is a story that we as women are familiar...but this time it was so fresh and so real that I felt like I was reading it for the first time.

Luke 10:38-42 (NIV)
As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him.  She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said.  But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made.  She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself?  Tell her to help me!"

"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed.  Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."

Y'all, when I got to that last section, I couldn't even finish reading it aloud.  In my soul I heard, "Fonda, Fonda". 

As I read back through the passage, more slowly and deliberately, I saw so many similarities to my current situation. 

I opened my home to these near-adult children of ours. 

I am the one who gets distracted by all the preparations and want them done without me having to ask for any help. 

I went running to Jim tattling on the kids much like Martha tattled on Mary. And truth be told (why stop now, huh?), I was tattling on Jim to God as I stomped around that kitchen.

I accused God of not caring about me or how I am feeling...taking care of everyone else, I should get some accolades, don't you think?

I was worried and upset by many things...I could give you a laundry list half a mile long, if you could stand to listen.

But...only one thing is needed.  Only.  One.  And that 'thing' is not desired or recommended, it is NEEDED!

I haven't been choosing what is Better...and the things I have been choosing are quickly swept away by french fries left on the table or shoes strewn in the doorway.

I didn't get any further in the study last night. He had slain me.  He laid bare my heart right before my very eyes. I jotted a prayer in my journal and retired for the night.

This morning, He spoke to me tenderly through a devotional I read...and another that I listened to on the way to work.  Tears were fresh and easy to fall as He reminded me that even this pain I feel right now, it is meant for good.  It is meant to bless and not curse.  It is meant to heal and not to kill. 

And if that wasn't enough, this afternoon I opened a birthday card from my Mother and Father-in-law.  It has a keepsake card on the front that reads:

Lord, I have too much to do, but it's all important.  Help me to set priorities so that I don't feel lost in the pace and the pressure.  Give me the wisdom and energy to accomplish what's necessary without wasting time or effort.  And help me make the best use of my day, remembering that time is a precious gift from You. 

Though He slay me, yet will I hope in Him.  He is the One thing...the Only thing...the Better thing...and He will never leave me, nor forsake me.